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What to do about an uncooperative sibling?
Emailed questions from frustrated siblings!
Q. Our family is basically in agreement of the need to establish long-term ownership of our family waterfront, except for one sibling who is being obstinate about practically everything. Will we still be able to formulate a plan without her? Can she hold this process up?
A. (Hollander) It depends upon how you hold title. You have a problem if the siblings own the property as tenants in common, a form of ownership that gives each sibling the right to use her interest in the property without deferring too much to the other siblings wishes. You might consider family mediation if you and your siblings own the property as tenants in common - perhaps this would get the root of the problem.
If, on the other hand, your parent(s) still own the property, and the siblings merely share USE of the property, your parents could establish an ownership arrangement that would deprive your sibling of a veto, and would allow a form of majority rule. Or, if your parents agreed that your sister was being unreasonable and difficult, they might not give her an interest in the cottage, but instead give her financial assets through their estate plans.
Q. We own a cottage on the lake with our siblings and their families. We purchased a ski boat and small sailboat for our use at the cottage. The others often ask to use the boats too, but they expect us to pay for the upkeep and repairs. We are feeling taken advantage of. Should we ask everyone to contribute to the cost of the boats and upkeep? This will be a hardship for one sibling. If not, what are the liability issues, if any, if we continue with the present pattern?
A (by Bruce Douglass, Ph.D.): The first step should be to get very clear about the exact direction of your feelings about the situation. In feeling taken advantage of, is it really the cost of maintaining the boats? Is it that your own access to the boats has been restricted by others’ use? Do you have a sense that the other family members are not appreciative of the opportunity that the boats afford them? Are they appreciative but rarely say thank you? Each of these scenarios suggests a different way of handling the situation. Once you are clear about your feelings, an easy and obvious solution may occur to you. If you are still stuck, consider calling a family meeting to air the issue. This process may move things forward, because people tend to be more responsive to others when they know something about how they are feeling. Regarding the possible solution of asking others to share the costs involved, consider leaving that option for last, since it would be a hardship for one family member. You could always propose that later, if opening up communication does not help to resolve the issue for you.
Response 1: Thanks for the excellent advice. I really had to think about why I was feeling taken advantage of, and have come up with this: I would like the feeling that others are also contributing to the cottage in the way that the boats have made it more enjoyable to be at the cottage. I think we can accomplish this by having a family meeting, and letting others know how I feel. While I may have more financial resources than the others, in my view, it would be great for my siblings to use their talents to simply do 'something' for the enjoyment of all at the cottage. Just getting the place spruced up would be nice (painting, planting, coming up with rainy day games.) Any further thoughts? Thanks again.
(Douglass): a solution jumps out: how about posting a list of chores/jobs/projects/needs where all can view it. By prior agreement, each visitor might agree to contribute in at least one such way each time around with each visit. That preserves lots of choice, gets things done, and minimizes any exercise of authority that could be off-putting. You would all benefit from the contributions of all each, according to his/her talents, energies, and resources.
Stuart J. Hollander and Bruce Douglass, Ph.D. (2006) |
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